Jokes

Top 10 Worst Things To Say At A Funeral

10. Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move?
9. Hey, this is the first time grandpa's been stiff in 20 years!
8. The son of a bitch is lucky he's dead. He still owes me twenty bucks!
7. (To children) Be quiet or we'll bury you with him.
6. I'll trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited.
5. I didn't really know him. I'm just here for the free food afterward.
4. It's about time. I was getting sick of her whining.
3. Is this service over yet? I'm going to miss the ballgame.
2. I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll liven things up!
1. (To the widow) Well, you're officially single now. Whatcha doin' Friday night?



Top 10 Things Not To Say To Her Parents

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lie there during sex too?"



Losin' It

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm room bed after having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin. The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks,
"Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity.
" Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!" the girl says, "I just got sick of waiting."